The older Cam gets, the more he busts out with cute little antics that he no doubt learned from watching me. He talks on his toy cars, saying "hiyee" just like me and proceeds with unintelligible blabber punctuated with giggles. My favorite thing of all is when he bends into a Down Dog in the most random places--the aisle of a jetplane or under a desk at the office.
His latest stunt is not so endearing. It started with a plastic golf club at my dad's last week while playing with my 3-year-old half brother. Cam whacked Ty with the golf club, then a toy car, and then his hand. The 3 incidents landed him in time out, and that extinguished the problem...until we returned home.
This week Cam has been liberally hitting the dogs, Daddy, me, and his friends in gym childcare. One afternoon we did 6 time outs in a row to no avail. I'm embarrased to admit that he probably picked up the habit from watching me. My husband has a horrible routine of poking and prodding and generally pressing my buttons to see what kind of reaction he can summon. It usually ends with me reaching my patience limit and stopping him by using physical force.
So, we're working on that.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my little hitting monster. I rarely use time outs, but in the past when I have, they've been highly effective. This time, they're not working. I tried clap-growling like Harvey Karp says to do in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. He laughed at me. I even tried slapping his hand, which was a new low in my parenting endeavors. He laughed at that, too.
By Thursday afternoon, I was entirely spent and awash with guilt. Cam laughed at my efforts to be authoritative, but I tend towards inappropriate laughter in stressful situations, and it's highly possible that's what was going on with Cam. And worst of all, how is it possible to teach nonviolence with the use of force and intimidation? I've criticized other parents for this in the past, and here I am.
I still don't know what to do. Cam isn't to the point of being able to hold an intelligible conversation, so I have to rely on body language and very basic words to teach. Whenever he hits me or the dogs, I've started saying "no hit" in a firm but gentle manner and following up with the sign for gentle--a soft stroke on the top of the left hand. So far it's not doing a bit of good at decreasing his frequency of hitting.
But there is one positive outcome in just the past 24 hours. We went swimming yesterday and every time I carried him around the pool, he'd stroke my back like the sign for gentle. So something is getting through to him. It seriously melted my heart and confirmed that I'm back on the right path.
6 comments:
oh this is difficult... especially when the "cookie cutter" approaches just don't work.
there are other approaches though- don't give up!
A few thoughts (that might not be for your family, but in case!):
children at that age almost never ever have behaviours just to "be bad". there is always a reason. the difficult part is figuring out that reason- attention? because he's bored? because he wants to play and that's an easy way to initiate rough and tumble play?
once you figure out (somewhat) what the reason is, the trick is to stop the behaviour BEFORE it happens- so then you need to figure out his triggers if possible.
or it might be preemptively showing him alternative ways to play with the dog, you, his friends.
i really like the "no hitting" in a firm voice- it's a good strategy :)
also- know that MANY children go through this stage (lots of kids bite too!) and it passes. not to say you shouldn't address it, but there will be a time where it will have passed :)
Thanks for the recommendations! "It will pass" seems to be the answer to most of my parenting woes. I do think that sometimes he's just trying to play. Now that I think about it, dad and I both wrestle play with him and it may be hard to distinguish play from not okay behavior. We're being extra careful now to be aware of what kind of moves we make even in play. Other times I think he hits when he's upset about not getting his way, for example not wanting to get in the car seat. He went through a biting phase when he was 12 months, and that passed, thank god!
Maybe your husband could keep his hands to himself and stop modeling bad behavior? Apologies if I'm misreading, but it sounds like all that poking really upsets you.
You're absolutely right. He's the only person other than my dad who can get me really angry. He's improved over the years but still has a long way to go. I'm actually pretty sure he has adult ADHD, which thank god he's looking into.
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